Countermeasures
by EchoLoco
Summary: Shunsui and Nanao scheme to get Ukitake and Unohana together. Great minds think alike, however, and Ukitake and Unohana have some plans of their own.
1. All's Fair

**Author's Note: It's about time those two got together... and by those two, I mean the Shunsui/Nanao and Unohana/Ukitake pairings!**

* * *

"Nanao-chan! Are you ready?"

"Coming, Captain."

Nanao hurried to fall into step beside Kyouraku as he strode towards the Fourth Division infirmary. It was only ever on his way there that his face wore the serious expression Nanao saw. She had seen it many times. Sometimes it was for their injured or fallen subordinates, but most often it was for his chronically ill best friend, as it was today. Ever since Nanao had first noticed that sad, weary expression, she had never let her captain make this walk alone again.

They walked in silence. Kyouraku didn't need a lot of comforting words, but Nanao did notice that he walked just a little closer to her than usual. The sleeve of his pink haori occasionally brushed her arm as they walked; the hem brushed her ankle. That, at least, comforted her. She knew Kyouraku's worry for his friend was too deep to compare with her own, but even so, Ukitake was a good friend and mentor to Nanao, and his pain hurt her considerably. It helped to know that her own best friend, her captain, was beside her both literally and figuratively.

When they arrived at the infirmary, they met Unohana in the hallway. She was on her way to Ukitake's room with fresh handkerchiefs and washcloths, and she reported in his condition as she walked with Shunsui and Nanao.

"The initial onset was more serious than usual," she informed them in a tired voice, "but the illness seems to have worn itself out with a strong first attack, and Ukitake-san is making a promising recovery. I hope to release him to a few days rest at Ugendo after tomorrow."

Kyouraku nodded his thanks to the devoted healer. She had made it clear long ago that he was not to thank her for doing her job, but Kyouraku knew her care for Ukitake went above and beyond the call of duty, so all that meant to him was that he wouldn't express his gratitude in literal words.

The trio arrived at the room to be greeted by a weak, but cheerful grin from Ukitake. "My three favorite visitors!" he exclaimed hoarsely.

From the looks of things, he had had many more visitors. There were bunches of flowers all over the room, and even a giant greeting card with a drawing of a smiling chappy bunny. It was signed by both Rukia and Byakuya. Most of the flowers lined the wall under the far window, but two corners seemed to be having a war with bouquets increasing in size and dramatic arrangement. Nanao sighed. Kiyone and Sentarou must have spent a month's worth of wages on the flowers. There was also a large bowl of candy that Unohana had seen Hitsugaya deliver earlier in the day. From the wrappers on the bedside table, it seemed Ukitake had been working his way through it.

"Ukitake-san," she reproached, placing the cloths aside, "I believe I advised you against eating too many sweets. Your system needs healthy nourishment right now."

"I'm sorry, Unohana-san," Ukitake said with a sheepish grin. "Sucking on candies makes my throat feel better."

Unohana sighed, though her expression seemed to betray amusement. "Very well. I will fetch you some tea with extra honey for your throat. I am sure Toushirou-sama meant well, but the candies will have to wait."

As Unohana left the room, Kyouraku and Ise noticed another gift. A colorful origami fish sat on the windowsill over Ukitake's bed. The paper was thin, and it cast flecks of orange and yellow light over the sick captain. The flowers would wither and the candy would be eaten, but they both knew that the little fish would be placed on a shelf in Juushirou's home with quite a few more of different colors and patterns.

"I see Retsu-chan has made you another charming little fish for your pond," Shunsui remarked with a grin. "She's so attentive!"

Nanao smacked his arm only half-heartedly, preferring an obnoxious Shunsui to a somber one.

Juushirou blushed. "Only you, Shunsui, could enter a room filled with flowers and candy and then make a fuss about one little piece of origami," he deflected.

"Well, someone had better make a fuss about it," Shunsui retorted, "or our dear Retsu-chan will think her attentions have gone unnoticed."

"They have not gone unnoticed!" Ukitake exclaimed, "I've told her repeatedly how much I appreciate her treating my illness."

"That's what I'm talking about," Shunsui muttered to Nanao. She simply sighed. Her captain was ridiculous, yes, but he wasn't blind. And it didn't take someone with his particular gift for seeing the truth of things to see that Unohana paid special attention to her snowy-haired patient, and that Ukitake enjoyed every moment of it.

She reached over to touch the fin of the fish gently, the pattern of which lined up with the body of the fish perfectly. "Please be sure to thank Unohana-taicho specifically for this, Ukitake-taicho. It is a marvelous piece, very intricate. She must have spent a good deal of time on it."

Ukitake picked up the little fish as if to inspect it, but Nanao noticed that his eyes never focused on any particular detail. Clearly, he had already looked it over quite carefully. He simply turned it in his hands, delicately. He was holding it when Unohana returned with a steaming cup of tea, a sweet scent of peppermint wafting before her. Setting the origami down with utmost care, Ukitake accepted the cup from Unohana.

"Well, I'm glad to see you're feeling better, Juu-chan!" Kyouraku suddenly said. "Nanao-chan and I will be back later to visit some more!" He winked at his friend and swept Nanao into the crook of his arm as he headed for the door.

"Captain!" Nanao exclaimed as Shunsui guided her away. She tried to pry herself from his grasp, but despite his gentleness, she couldn't get free, and she was swept from Ukitake's room in a swirl of pink.

The door shut behind them, Kyouraku looked down at Nanao and grinned mischievously. "I think we ought to give those two a little time alone, ne?"

Nanao rolled her eyes and walked on. She, too, believed that Unohana and Ukitake could stand to realize their regard for each other, even if she didn't agree with her captain's meddling. If Kyouraku was preoccupied with his scheming, though, he probably wouldn't put quite so much effort into scheming up ways to get Nanao to admit regard for him. It seemed advantageous to her to follow along with his plot.

Kyouraku's lack of attention in that regard was compensated for, however. With the door shut on them, Ukitake grinned at Unohana. "When are those two going to get over the theatrics and just get together?" he mused over his tea.

Unohana chuckled lightly from her seat on the edge of his bed. "It may be sooner than you think, Ukitake-san. You saw that Nanao-san didn't smack him with her fan when he scooped her up and swept her out of here?"

Ukitake waved a hand dismissively. "Yes, but she always lets her guard down a little when Shunsui is being serious, which he always is when I'm in the infirmary."

Unohana smiled. "Oh? Perhaps you should spend some more time here."

"I could live with that," Ukitake agreed.


	2. Misery Abhors Company

**AN: Sorry it took so long to update; school's been crazy lately. **

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* * *

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Nanao took brisk, even steps on her way to the office. It was early morning, and the autumn air from the open hallway windows was crisp and refreshing. It was the only time of day that the Squad Eight headquarters were ever quiet, and Nanao planned to bask in the peacefulness until her captain intruded on the office sometime after noon.

The office was quiet when she arrived, but not peaceful, and not devoid of Captain Kyouraku. His pink haori looked like it had been thrown on in a violent rush instead of the lazy manner it was usually draped. The disturbed appearance of his clothes matched the look on his face, brows furrowed with worry as he spoke in low tones to Captain Unohana.

"Captain?" Nanao inquired fretfully. If Shunsui looked serious and Unohana was involved, something was probably terribly wrong.

Both Shunsui and Unohana turned to her, but Unohana spoke first. "Ise-san, I was just asking Captain Kyouraku if you two wouldn't mind looking in on Captain Ukitake from time to time today. He has fallen ill again, but unfortunately I have a field training session that I have already postponed once and cannot neglect. I wouldn't burden another squad with my duties, but the training session is for all of my seated officers, and I would like to know that Captain Ukitake is under the watch of someone as proficient in the use of healing kidou as yourself."

Nanao nodded as she processed the information. "Of course, Captain Unohana. I'm sure our Fourth Seat can attend to the duty rosters for the day, so it's no burden at all. Especially for Captain Ukitake."

Unohana expressed her thanks and left the office. Shunsui looked balefully down at Nanao, who found herself standing by his side.

"I'll just leave a note for Fourth Seat Irogami and we'll go," she told him, knowing he would want to leave as soon as possible. Scribbling a note in her ordered but graceful hand, she traded it for a moderate stack of papers from her desk and followed Shunsui out.

* * *

Unohana toyed uneasily with the end of her braid.

"Don't worry, Unohana-senpai," Ukitake said reassuringly. He adjusted his own hair in the small mirror in the infirmary room, trying to make it look a bit disheveled.

"But I felt so bad, Ukitake-sama," the healer fretted. "They both looked sick with worry. I don't think this was a good idea after all."

Ukitake rested a hand on her shoulder reassuringly. "Of course it's a good idea. They always worry at first, but then they come and see that I'm not dead yet, and Shun-kun tries to cheer me up, and then they're just fine. It'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. Now come help me get set up before they get here."

* * *

Shunsui swept into the room immediately after a brief knock that was solely for courtesy. Nanao was a few steps behind him. Unohana looked up at them from where she was resting the back of her hand against Ukitake's forehead.

"Thank you for coming," she said. "I've given him some medication that should last the day, so you can simply use healing kidou if he has another episode while I'm away."

Shunsui nodded, arms folded over his chest. After a moment, he responded. "And you've checked him for a fever."

Unohana looked down at Juushirou's forehead where her hand still rested, drawing it away quickly as if burned. "Of course," she replied hurriedly. "Nothing to worry about there. I'd best be going now."

Shunsui thought he saw the slightest blush on her face as she walked out of the room, but waited until she was gone to grin at his friend.

"Ah, Juu-chan, seems little Retsu couldn't keep her hands off you. You know, I suspect you fake half of your attacks just to get her to examine you."

Juushirou blanched, fearing they had caught on to the scheme, but his sudden pallor seemed to convince Shunsui that this bout of illness was for real.

Nanao pressed a hand to her forehead in exasperation as Shunsui fetched a glass of water for Ukitake. Clearing a space on a table in the corner, she set her papers down and pulled a sprig of herbs from her pocket. Expanding a small orb of kidou around it, it wafted a minty scent around the room. Setting it on the windowsill, she leaned over Juushirou.

"Are you feeling okay now, Captain Ukitake?"

"Much better than this morning, thanks," he wheezed. He hoped he sounded well enough to put her at ease, but sick enough to keep up his cover. "I think I might try to sleep for a while, it that's alright."

"Okay then, Captain Kyouraku and I will be here in case you need anything."

Nanao sat down and started on her paperwork as Shunsui paced, watching over Ukitake until he fell asleep.

Ukitake, however, was having a hard time of it. He had been up very early setting his plan in action, and he had planned on taking an actual nap and leaving Shunsui and Nanao to each other's company for a few hours. However, the menthol aroma floating around his room was rather strong, and even though he managed to refrain from sneezing, he couldn't seem to fall asleep with the smell invading his nostrils.

He knew that Nanao often brought the herb with her when visiting him in the infirmary, using a kidou spell she had invented herself to infuse the room with it. Normally, it was cool and soothing to his nose and throat, but then again, he supposed with his respiratory system compromised, he never smelled it at full strength. When he was healthy, it was a little overwhelming, and he lay with his eyes closed, working hard to pretend he was sleeping, and wondering how Shunsui and Nanao could stand the smell.

After a while, Shunsui seemed convinced by Ukitake's acting, and wandered over to Nanao, looking over her shoulder for a moment. "Nanao-chan?"

"Yes, captain?"

"I don't know if you've noticed," he said in a stage whisper Ukitake could hear clearly, "but Retsu-chan forgot to leave Juu-chan one of those little paper fishes today."

Ukitake tried not to gasp in horror. He thought they had gotten the scene set just right, but they'd obviously forgotten a key detail.

"I had noticed." Nanao returned, not looking up, "When I set the infusion orb on the sill, I noticed it wasn't there as usual. But Captain Unohana _was_ in quite a hurry this morning, so maybe she just didn't have time."

"Perhaps." Shunsui seemed unconvinced. "Do you really think she just didn't have time? You don't think her affections for our dear Juu-chan have waned at all? She didn't even stay with him when he was sick, even though she did last time."

Ukitake could feel a violent flush rising on his cheeks, and hoped Shunsui had his back to him at the moment. Since when was an origami fish for an ailing man a romantic gesture? Shunsui certainly had an imagination.

"But sir," Nanao remarked, "you noticed as we were coming in that she left her hand resting on his forehead? The fact that she was called away abruptly explains why she couldn't stay and why she didn't leave a fish, but you can hardly explain that occurrence away."

"That explains it! My Nanao-chan is so clever!" Shunsui crowed happily. Nanao shushed him, and Ukitake could imagine the reproachful look on her face. He could also imagine the embarrassed look on his own face as he recalled the feel of Unohana's warm hand as it rested against his face, just brushing his hairline.

At Nanao's reprimand, Shunsui spun around to check that Ukitake was still sleeping. "Um, Nanao-chan? Juu-chan looks a little red."

Nanao stood to look over Shunsui's shoulder from where he was sitting on the end of the hospital bed.

"You're right, he looks a little feverish."

She walked over and checked his temperature, and Ukitake couldn't suppress a quiet moan as she thwarted his attempts to push the thought of Unohana's soft hand on his face from his mind.

"He's burning up," Nanao reported. She sounded worried, and Ukitake could feel the air shift as Shunsui came to stand over him. "I think a cooling spell focused on his chest would help, and you're probably the best at the wind-based spells, captain."

Ukitake cringed inwardly. The autumn weather made the room cool enough as it was.

"Sure thing, Nanao-chan," Shunsui said, lifting his hands in a reddish haze. Ukitake felt like a chill wind was blowing right through his chest, and he shivered involuntarily. "It seems like his fever's pretty bad, but I don't think much more of this is a good idea," Shunsui mused. He tucked the blanket closer around Juushirou, and the supposedly-ill man had all he could take to hold back a chuckle as Shunsui's arm-hair tickled his chin.

"I think you're right, captain Kyouraku," Nanao agreed. "Let's just keep a close eye on him for a while."

At this point, Ukitake was itchy, cold, embarrassed, tired, overwhelmed by odd smells, and under close scrutiny. He wanted to call it quits and just admit what he was up to, but he knew he couldn't. It would make it that much harder to get Shunsui and Nanao together; knowing their friends were scheming to set them up would put them on their guard. And anyway, Unohana had been uncomfortable with lying to them both, and had gone through with it anyway. Juushirou had to be strong, at the very least to honor Retsu's sacrifice.

So he lay still, growing more and more uncomfortable each time Nanao reached over to feel his temperature, which was about every fifteen minutes.

He finally got the satisfaction of at least knowing his plan was starting to work. He felt the familiar shift in weight on the edge of the bed where Nanao and Shunsui were both sitting, the shift that signaled a fifteen-minute span of time. Nanao reached to rest the back of her hand gently on his forehead, but there was another shift, and Juushirou felt rough fingers close over Nanao's smaller hand.

"Let him be now, Nanao," Shunsui murmured, pulling her hand away. Juushirou couldn't see what was happening, but he could tell by the change in tone that Shunsui was trying to be serious and reassuring. He hoped Nanao appreciated the alteration, because Juushirou knew that such a thing was almost only ever for her own benefit. "He looks better now. Give him a few moments, and if he still looks okay, you can go back to your paper work."

"If you think he looks better, captain, I should get back to it now..."

There was a shift, but Nanao's weight never left the bed.

"Yare, Nanao-chan. If you move around just now you'll wake Juu-chan. Give it a few moments," Shunsui repeated.

Nanao huffed, and Ukitake hoped they were both sufficiently distracted that he could crack an eye open. He had to see what was going on. He was richly rewarded by the sight of Shunsui with an arm around Nanao's back, still holding her hand which she now rested at her side. She was cuddled awkwardly against the larger man, having been seated a good few inches from him and now afraid to move out of the embrace lest she wake the "sick" man they were supposed to be watching over.

A few minutes passed, and Juushirou felt the bed sway a bit. He let out a sleepy sigh and shifted slightly. The movement stopped.

"Not yet, Nanao-chan," Shunsui whispered, his tone almost flirtacious this time. "Be patient."

Juushirou had them right where he wanted them. They were going to pay for this miserable morning he had been through. Well, Nanao was going to pay, since Shunsui was obviously enjoying cuddling her close. But Shunsui would hopefully get a taste for the simple nearness of his shy lieutenant that couldn't be satisfied with his usual flirtations and advances. Juushirou hoped he would come to realize how much he actually enjoyed the woman's company.

Nanao made to stand up again a few minutes later, and Juushirou rolled over, incidentally leaving more room at the edge of the bed. As he expected, Shunsui took full advantage, drawing Nanao's head into his lap.

"Patience, my lovely Nanao-chan. Why don't you take a bit of a rest too, and then you'll be refreshed when you get to that paperwork later."

Nanao started to protest, but Shunsui shushed her. Juushirou peeked over his shoulder and caught Shunsui stroking Nanao's hair, tucking her bangs behind her ear. She gave a deflated sigh, relaxing against Shunsui once she realized she was trapped. Not, she told herself, because it was incredibly soothing to be held and caressed by him in one of his rare but genuine caring moods.

Juushirou knew Nanao had fallen asleep in Shunsui's lap when the overwhelming minty smell subsided, her reiatsu dropping as she drifted off. Now that he wasn't being asphyxiated, watched, talked about behind his back, or checked for a fever, he decided to finally do the same. The afternoon sun climbed over the windowsill, removing the chill Kyouraku's kidou spell had given him, and he was soon sleeping peacefully.

* * *

Unohana dropped her sword off in her office, but decided to wait to bathe until after she had checked in on Ukitake and company. If Shunsui and Nanao were still there, they were likely at each others' throats by now, and if not, she could have Ukitake fill her in on how the scheme had gone. Tucking a stray hair back into her braid, she knocked lightly before opening the door to Ukitake's room.

She was shocked. Of course, their plan all along had been to get Shunsui and Nanao to be a little more comfortable with one another, but she had never expected this degree of success.

Shunsui was asleep, reclined against the rail at the foot of the hospital bed. It must have been terribly uncomfortable, but Shunsui had always had a knack for being able to sleep in the strangest places. It probably helped that his lieutenant was curled up next to him, head resting in his lap with his arm draped around her waist. Juushirou was sleeping soundly with his head at the other side of the bed, and his feet curled in the end of Shunsui's pink haori which had billowed out behind him.

Unohana couldn't help but smile at the charming little scene. Besides the image Shunsui and Nanao presented as they cuddled, she thought Ukitake looked absolutely adorable with his feet tucked into his friend's haori and his white hair splayed over his pillow. She hesitated, not wanting to ruin the moment, but decided that the additional reiatsu in the room was likely to be noticed by one of the sleepers before long. Walking over, she leaned down and rested a hand gently on Juushirou's shoulder.

"Captain Ukitake," she whispered into his ear. He sighed quietly, and Unohana fought back a blush at the sight of his long eyelashes fluttering open to reveal sleepy brown eyes.

"Unohana-senpai," he murmured drowsily.

She shushed him, pressing a finger to her lips and nodding towards the end of the bed. Ukitake grinned at her, and she inexplicably found herself feeling as if she had swallowed a hell butterfly.

"It seems our plan worked after all," he remarked. "But it won't last if Nanao wakes up and realizes we've all seen her asleep in Shunsui's lap. Why don't you go on, let me wake him up so he can pretend I'm sleeping and wake Nanao, and then I'll meet you in your office to recap this miserable day."

"Miserable?" Unohana asked, confused. "It looks our plan was a success."

"Our plan was a success," he retorted, "but it did _not_ go as planned."

* * *

**I'm open to suggestions for how Shunsui and Nanao can get back at Ukitake and Unohana for their devious schemes. **


	3. Fire With Fire

**AN: Sorry, looooong delay there. Haven't had a lot of time to write with school and all, but I've got chapter 4 started, so hopefully at least it won't be a year before that's up. Suggestions are welcome; can't promise I'll use them but I'd like to hear them all the same. **

* * *

Nanao side-stepped as Shunsui reached a hand toward her head. She quickened her stride, walking stiffly and glaring daggers at any of the higher ranking members of the Gotei 13 who dared to snicker at the all-too common scene of a bemused Captain Kyouraku strolling along behind a fuming Vice Captain Ise.

"Leave me alone, Taicho," Nanao complained, "you're making people stare."

Shunsui chuckled heartily. "I think it's you that's making people stare, Nanao-chan. So lovely... and so scandalously tousled."

Nanao was walking in front of him, but she knew instinctively that he was grinning suggestively. She instantly reached a hand up to smooth her hair, realizing with exasperation that her captain had been reaching to tidy it for her. She wasn't going to give him the satisfaction, however; she figured falling asleep in his lap was quite enough of that to fuel his advances and her shame for a few more lifetimes.

"Of course they're staring at me and _not_ your garish haori, Taicho," Nanao hissed in a rare burst of sarcasm.

"Yare, yare, Nanao-chan, that was low," Shunsui responded. "Almost as low as Juu and Retsu scheming to get us together."

Nanao spun around so fast that Shunsui nearly bowled her over, and as he grabbed her arm to steady her, Nanao heard a whistle or two from some daring shinigami. She was too focused on Kyouraku's comment to pay them any mind, however.

"What do you mean, scheming?"

"I mean, Juu pretending to be really sick and Retsu-chan pretending to be too busy to care, just to get us together in his hospital room. The last time Retsu-chan tried to lead training exercises when Juu was ill, she lost control of a healing spell and erased every scar any of her squad members ever had."

Nanao stared at him, trying to decide whether to be furious or skeptical. "It's not like Ukitake-taicho or Unohana-taicho to plot devious romantic scenarios," she said cautiously. "That's more your department, if I recall."

Shunsui laughed, the deep rumble resonating along Nanao's arm, which she yanked free of his grasp. "Clearly, you were too young to notice their work with Kaien-kun and Miyako-chan," he informed her.

Nanao stood for a few moments without replying. She had heard a rumor that the couple had fallen in love over the course of a mysterious illness that kept them both in the same wing of the infirmary for a month. It had apparently been an interesting time for the 13th Division considering Ukitake also spent a good portion of that month in the infirmary, supposedly having an unusually bad episode.

"Good grief," she finally spat. "As if it wasn't bad enough when it was just you trying to get me into your bed!"

"Or park bench, or rooftop, or sakura grove... or desk," Shunsui replied with a cheery salaciousness that was downright disturbing. Nanao shot him a withering glance. "Of course, they were sort of moving in on my territory," he added. "We might have to get back at them."

An inquisitive eyebrow arched over one lens of Nanao's glasses. "What did you have in mind?" she asked hesitantly.

"Fighting fire with fire, my lovely vice-captain. If we can arrange for Juu and Retsu-chan to admit that they're madly in love, they'll be too busy getting together to try and get us together. We'll be left entirely to our own affairs."

Kyouraku peppered his explanation with lecherous winks for effect.

"Our _affairs_," Nanao stated, "are strictly limited to budgets, training, and other division business." She paused, trying to decide whether she was about to get herself in over her head. "However, I'd rather not have anyone else encouraging your ridiculous advances, so I'm in."

Shunsui grinned delightedly. "Fantastic! So here's what we do..."

* * *

Nanao crumpled another piece of paper into a ball and tossed it expertly into the wastebasket across the room. "Frankly, sir, your lack of subtlety is appalling, but not surprising," she quipped.

Shunsui shrugged as his lieutenant handed him another piece of paper. When he returned that one, however, she placed neatly in a stack beside her. "Frankly, Nanao-chan," he replied, "I think you're shooting down some very good ideas simply to get me to sign more forms."

"Well, as long as you've got me scheming against people, I might as well make the most of it." She handed him a blank piece of paper.

A few moments later, Shunsui proudly held up a rough sketch of a woman wrapped in a towel holding a handkerchief out to a man who seemed to be throwing up into a hot spring that had steam and sparkles rising from it. Nanao grimaced at the image, knowing that even though the pencil sketch was in black and white, the illustration was meant to be of a man coughing up blood into a steaming pool of water.

"Your idea of romance is rather dismal," she remarked, reaching for the drawing. Shunsui yanked it out of her reach.

"No, see, we'll tell Retsu-chan that Juu needs a nice, relaxing evening at the hot springs. The steam would do wonders for his lungs, we'll say, but he needs looking after so he doesn't pass out and drown. So Retsu of course accompanies her favorite patient, and he'll start to cough, and when she goes to pass him a handkerchief, maybe her towel slips and then..."

"Enough!" Nanao exclaimed as the description started getting detailed. "Anyway, if we use Ukitake-taicho's health as an excuse, Unohana-taicho will treat it as work. She's too professional for something like that."

"Then what would you suggest, my clever Nanao-chan?"

Nanao sighed as she handed Shunsui another form to sign. She took a blank piece of paper for herself and began to write.

"Something like this, perhaps..."


	4. Serious Business

**AN: Sorry it's been so long since the last update! School and lack of inspiration and all the usual excuses... anyway, here it is. **

* * *

"I don't like this idea, Nanao-chan."

"That's just because nobody ends up naked or drunk within the first three minutes of my idea."

"Well, there's that, but the part I'm really worried about is the part where I get beat up bad enough to spend a week at Fourth with Jyuu and Retsu together at my bedside."

"Are you saying you're not willing to endure a little fleeting discomfort in exchange for the lifelong happiness of your best friend?"

"...Wow, Nanao-chan. I had no idea how positively devious you are."

"I learned from the best, Captain."

"I'd say that was the nicest thing you've said to me all day," Shunsui pouted, "but it's in regards to me getting intentionally injured for your little plan, so I don't think it counts."

Nanao leaned back from her desk with an indifferent shrug. "My plan has a higher success rate than any of yours. So, if you're actually serious about this, we'll do it my way. If not, which I suspect is the case, I'm going to have to ask you to get started on the paperwork I need you to sign."

Shunsui fixed Nanao with an intent gaze, and she felt suddenly uncomfortable.

"Oh gods... you really are serious about this, sir," she exclaimed softly. "You would actually inflict injury upon yourself for the sake of setting up two people who have had several centuries together without deciding to date?"

"I really am serious, Nanao." His baritone voice was slow and measured, and he tilted his hat down in the way Nanao recognized as his "serious business" look.

"Do you know the reason those two never got together in all those centuries? At least in Jyuu's case, it's not as simple as realizing he liked Retsu's company. Jyuu's known that for ages... not that you need to tell him I said so. But he's carried a torch for her since before we became captains, and he's never done a damn thing about it because of his illness. Doesn't want to burden her, or whatever. It's all very noble, but anyone who bothered to look could see that Retsu's lonely. She's so much older than her subordinates that she doesn't make a lot of new friends, so she's stuck with me and Jyuu. And she _has_ stuck by us, but Jyuu more so. Every time he has a bad spell, she treats him herself, even if she has to pass on her other duties, or stay up for days at a time until he's in the clear. The origami koi are a recent development, but she's always done special little things like that for him when he's ill."

Nanao smiled sadly at her captain's quiet honesty, but quirked a questioning eyebrow when he suddenly pouted dramatically. "Though, whenever I'm in the 4th," he added, "she just has Isane slap a pain-relieving kidou on me and calls you in to take me back to the Eighth before I disrupt her other patients."

Nanao stared at him for a moment, considering, and his expression once again turned serious. "I had no idea," she murmured quietly.

"I'm sure that's Jyuu's intention," Shunsui replied. "So you can see that I'm serious..."

"But captain!"

"...listen, Nanao-chan. I'm not going to traipse around scattering hollow bait behind me until a Menos decides to take a swipe at me. But Jyuu and Retsu both know how much damage I can do to myself and my surroundings when I'm really bad off and within shunpo range of a bar. We just have to come up with a way to convince them I'm in danger of drinking myself into an early grave."

Nanao knew well enough what he was talking about, having seen it happen twice when she was much younger. "We can't exactly sacrifice one of our patrol squads to a hollow ambush or set your lieutenant up to be hollowfied," she muttered.

Shunsui stood from his perch on the arm of the sofa and came to stand silently over Nanao at her desk. After a few moments, Nanao's determined gaze slipped, and she looked away from him, fidgeting with her glasses nervously. She started to stutter an apology, but Shunsui gently turned her face back toward him and she jumped instead.

"You certainly know what makes me tick, don't you?"

* * *

Nanao shuffled toward Ninth Division headquarters grudgingly. The plan had seemed to make so much sense when Kyouraku had explained it, but she had been allowing him to hold her face in his palm when he did so, so she supposed her powers of logic must have been entirely suspended at the time. Right now, the very idea seemed patently absurd.

_That's my captain, _she mused peevishly, _getting me to think and do completely ridiculous things though he's hardly ever given me an order in my life. _

Sighing, she yanked on the heavy door of the main offices of Ninth, and headed past the captain's office to the communications division. If she knew Hisagi at all, that was where she'd find him. She gave a short, crisp knock at the door before entering, and was grateful to see that Hisagi was by himself, feet kicked up at the desk and perusing an article that was probably meant for the next issue of the Seireitei Communication.

"Lieutenant Ise," Shuuhei greeted cheerfully, swinging his feet to the floor with a thud. "Got another moderation piece for me?"

"I have a favor to ask of you, actually."

"Shoot," Hisagi replied good naturedly. "After all you've helped out with the Communication, I owe you one."

"I'd like you to go on a date with me," Nanao requested cautiously.

"Huh. Sounds more like a proposition than a favor."

"Not a real date!" Nanao quickly explained. "Obviously. It's just, I need an excuse for my captain to get blind drunk."

"He usually doesn't need an excuse," Hisagi retorted, amusement in his voice, "and as I recall, you usually try not to encourage him."

"Well, more drunk than usual, except he's not actually going to get drunk, it's for part of a... a prank of sorts."

Hisagi grinned deviously, setting the scars over his eye at a rakish angle. "I want in," he declared.

Nanao bit her lip anxiously. "Well, it's... complicated. It's really more of a set-up than a prank, and it's two captains so it probably shouldn't become general news, and..."

"I _definitely_ want in," he repeated.

"Lieutenant Hisagi -"

Shuuhei interrupted her. "First, it's Shuuhei, especially if we're supposed to be going on a date. Second, I'm happy have you on my arm for an evening, especially if Kyouraku's financing his little project, but you want my help, I wanna know what I'm getting into."

Nanao blushed lightly. Most of her interactions with Hisagi had been in the professional context of getting the newsletter published on time, and having tuned out most of Matsumoto's stories about their nights out, she hadn't realized how much the inked lieutenant had in common with her own captain.

"Alright," she conceded, "but you can't tell Matsumoto. As much as I love Rangiku, she'll have it around Seireitei before lunch."

Shuuhei nodded, and Nanao explained the plan to him. When she concluded, he crossed his arms behind his head and looked at Nanao.

"If you want this to work, you're gonna need Matsumoto."

* * *

Nanao decided she was going to take it easy on Kyouraku the next time he fidgeted or slept his way through a captains' meeting. At first, Nanao wouldn't have said she was excited about the plan. In fact, skeptical had been closer to the mark. But now that they had set it in action and other people were involved, Nanao just wanted to make sure everything went off without a hitch.

Yamamoto finally dismissed them, and it was all Nanao could do to keep from running toward the door. Matsumoto was less restrained, and captured Nanao in a sidewise hug before they even made it out of the First Division building. Captain Hitsugaya growled something inaudible, but as the meeting took place at the end of the work day, he couldn't reprimand the boisterous woman. Captain Kuchiki strode past indifferently, while Kenpachi lumbered by. His elbow bumped Matsumoto, nearly toppling both women over. Kyouraku and Ukitake stopped nearby as Nanao struggled to free herself.

"Rangiku-san! What are you doing?"

Matsumoto giggled. "What are _you _doing, Nanao-chan, this evening in particular? I heard you have a date!"

Kyouraku and Ukitake stopped talking.

"Where did you hear something like that?" Nanao grumbled peevishly.

"From the lucky guy! Hisagi-kun was so excited that you said yes, he just couldn't keep it to himself."

"Well if I'd have known he would tell everyone, I might not have said yes."

"He didn't tell _me_," Shunsui remarked darkly from behind them.

Matsumoto let Nanao go and looked sheepishly at the pink-adorned man as he stepped into their little circle. "Heh... oops!" She replied with a meek shrug.

"Nanao-chan," Shunsui continued, "if you wanted to go out for a drink, I'd have been more than happy to take you."

Nanao looked at her feet. While Matsumoto and Kyouraku might think she was trying not to laugh at their little interlude, she was mostly trying to hide her blush at hearing the serious tone of Shunsui's offer.

"Well, sir, I..." she stammered.

"Well, sir, she's coming with me!" Rangiku announced. "I'm going to get her out of that uniform and into something more date-worthy, and don't worry, if Hisagi-kun isn't a perfect gentleman, I'll clean his clock myself!" Shunsui looked as if he might do it himself right then and there.

Hisagi heard his name and turned from where he had been talking with Renji and Kira, looking mildly concerned.

"You sure know how to pick 'em," Renji drawled. "She comes home crying, Matsumoto's gonna kick yer ass. She comes home smiling, Kyouraku's gonna kick yer ass."

Kira shrugged. "Ise-san always seemed really nice, though. Maybe it'll be worth it."

"Thanks, guys," Hisagi muttered sarcastically. He led the guys out of the building, shooting Nanao a wink as he went. Even if it was a fake date, he was going out with a pretty girl that night, and he figured he should probably look the part.

* * *

"This is torture," Shunsui whined as he rummaged through cupboards in the office.

"What," Jyuushirou quipped, "that Nanao's going on a date, or that she hid your sake stash again?"

"Both," Shunsui replied tersely. He grabbed at something that clinked at the back of a shelf, and pulled out a very dusty ceramic bottle. Pulling the stopper, he sniffed at it, then grimaced. "Lamp oil. Wonder how long that's been hiding."

"You're avoiding the issue," Jyuushirou said as he watched the search continue. "You had to know she would eventually take an interest in men."

"Sure, but I thought I'd be the man." Shunsui turned and headed for the door.

"You can't just walk away, you should talk about this," his friend argued.

"Fine, but we'll talk about it at my place, where my sake supplies don't fall under Nanao-chan's jurisdiction."

* * *

"This is torture," Nanao whined.

"Oh, quit," Rangiku retorted, pulling a section of Nanao's hair back and securing it with an ornate comb, "you should be thanking me for helping you get ready. If I'd left you on your own, you would have gone out in your work clothes."

"What's so wrong with that?" replied Nanao, tugging at the plunging neckline of the indigo dress Rangiku had wrangled her into. "It wouldn't be nearly as embarrassing as wearing a dress where the collar drops to my waist."

Rangiku slapped Nanao's hand away from the delicate satin fabric. "Hisagi's a boob guy. You don't have any, so we have to give him something else to look at."

"You're a horrible person. And, I'm wearing a sweater."

"You are not!" Matsumoto exclaimed. "After all the work I've done to get you ready, including a special trip to the Living World to get that dress for you. Purple's not exactly my color, you know."

"It's blue," Nanao argued, "and it's distasteful. Why bother wearing anything at this rate?"

"Well if that's the way you want it, go ahead and strip. But you're going to ruin your hair and makeup if you try to take it off now, and Hisagi will be here in ten minutes, so..."

Nanao sighed. "It's not even a real date."

Rangiku stopped fussing with Nanao's hair and put a hand on her hip. "But it's 'not even a real date' at the Silver Lotus. You could be dropping off paperwork there; you'd still have to dress up. Anyway, just because Hisagi's in on your little plan to get Ukitake and Unohana together - " Nanao hissed a warning " - doesn't mean he won't actually fall for you when he sees you in this get-up."

"That's not part of the plan," Nanao reminded her.

"It should be. Hisagi's not a bad catch, if you give him a chance. I used to think he was weird, with the face tattoos and all, but he knows how to have fun and he never takes advantage of a tipsy girl." Matsumoto swayed dramatically to illustrate her point.

"Well, that's good to know, at least. And I hope this means you're over your 'set Nanao up with her captain' schemes."

"Hardly," Rangiku replied indifferently. "It's gotta be someone, and soon, or you'll be buying cats in bulk and I'll have to take drastic measures. I thought it'd be easiest getting you to go for Shunsui-kun, because I know you secretly want him, but if you can't get past your professional hold-ups long enough to lay him, well, Hisagi-kun's more your age and type. You know he hasn't filed a late report in over thirty years?" She grimaced, and Nanao laughed.

"You've got me pegged," she chuckled.

"Here's hoping Hisagi does," Matsumoto replied with a salacious wink.

"Rangiku!"

* * *

Shunsui had two cups set out and was filling them from a bottle of sake by the time Jyuushirou followed him into his house.

"Shunsui," he warned.

Kyouraku held out one of the cups. "I'm not talking about this sober," he said matter-of-factly.

Jyuushirou sighed and accepted the drink, carrying it into the sitting room and taking a small sip. Shunsui tipped his whole cup back and poured another.

"So, you're obviously bothered by this." There was a trace of sarcasm in Jyuushirou's tone.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Oh, because you've gone the last fifty so years since the girl came of age flirting with her and just about every other woman you come across, and she's the only one you haven't bothered to ask out."

"Exactly."

"Exactly what?" Ukitake asked, sounding a little exasperated. He thought he knew what Shunsui was getting at, but he wasn't enjoying trying to drag it out of him.

"She's the only one I'd want to still be there in the morning, and on the very slim chance she said yes, you and I both know she'd probably freak out and transfer right after."

"Shunsui, you do know that asking a girl out doesn't necessarily mean taking her for a drink, sleeping with her, and never seeing her again, right?"

"Yes."

"Yes, but?"

"But Nanao-chan doesn't know that I know that."

"So tell her."

"Sure. 'Nanao-chan, I'd like you to go out with me, and I don't mean that the way I meant it to every other girl you've ever seen me ask. You're the only one of them I didn't just want to sleep with.' Yeah, that'd go over well."

Jyuushirou grimaced, and Shunsui tossed back another cup - his fourth? No, fifth. "I see what you mean," he said, taking a sip of his unfinished first cup.

* * *

**Coming soon: the fake date, the plan goes amiss. **


End file.
